Nope, I’m not a size zero, not even a size four, or six, or you know. I don’t really go shopping for clothes that often and I like wearing the same outfits sometimes because I can’t be bothered. I have the same longchamp bag from college and I like my Cotton On flats even though they’re fifteen dollars. and I’d wear them till they break. I don’t have a wardrobe to fill an entire closet nor can I fit into everything I want either. I like McDonalds. It hurts when I spend money because I know how I earned it. I run my own gig that people don’t get and sometimes I get really insecure. And you know what, heels hurt.
I guess somewhere along the line a few months back, I got kind of lost. Coming back to Singapore, the truth is I felt really different about myself. It seemed like everyone was a size zero and I felt massive. It seemed like everyone had a mountain of clothes to wear and I didn’t. Everyone curled their hair, wore fake lashes, double eye-lid tape and enough make-up for two. I didn’t believe in plastic surgery, I didn’t listen to sex filled lyrics, didn’t club, drink, or do drugs. For once in my life, for some odd reason I didn’t feel like I was enough. I found myself telling myself I wasn’t skinny, pretty, or special enough. I wasn’t like the other girls and for what seemed like the longest time, I felt like I was battling something in my life and truth be told, it was me.
I started wanting things that I never really cared about before. I wanted that designer bag so that I could look better and I didn’t want to eat carbs anymore so that I could lose the weight faster. I didn’t want any of this anymore because the more people that knew what I did, the more stressed I felt about myself. I wanted to pack up my bags and move to a country and not tell anyone. I prayed so hard to feel like my old self again – to feel like the empowered and inspired person that I knew I was inside. It felt like a giant cloak on my life that was suffocating me. The more I saw, the more I compared, the more I didn’t like who I was.
I kept reminding myself to see myself the way God sees me, not anybody else. It took me a few months, but after a lot of tears with God, I realised this – “I’m special, and I’m different and it’s okay.” It’s okay to be different. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with it. I realised it during a driving lesson (I think I needa drive more!) and whenever I felt insecure, I said it to myself and I felt peace for the first time in so long. It might sound like something out of a fifth grade poem or anorexic anonymous or even a Stuart Little movie, but sometimes it’s the simple things we often forget in a time like this and what I forgot too. You like carbs? Go ahead and have them. Alcohol tastes bad, don’t need to down that. You need to save up for college, you don’t really need a new wardrobe. God made us different for a reason – with different skills, likes and dislikes and appearances. If we were all the same, we would absolutely be no use to Him. We’d create exactly the same thing, have the same experiences and we wouldn’t be able to learn or grow or in in this case experience and learn things about ourselves. I can’t say that I’m totally rid of my low moments because we all have them but I just wanted to share this with you if you feel the same way too. It really helped me :)
Don’t let the enemy lie to you. Be fearless. Fear has no hold on any of us, including the fear of what people think of us. I’d like to tell you about the story about Elijah in the bible – 1 Kings 19 – that really encourages me all the time.
There was a man named Elijah who is this really great, amazing and strong person. Bold, brave, standing up to authority for the highest authority and letting God perform miracles through him to show everyone that God is real. At that time, Baal was the diety that everyone seemed to believe in and Jezebel is the Queen of this land. Jezebel killed all of God’s prophets and raised up Baal’s false prophets. Through the strength of God, Elijah brought those prophets to a showdown and proved that God is really here. When all saw, all fell and cried “The Lord-he is God!” Of course, Jezebel was really angry to Elijah and only threatened to kill him. After all that he has done, you’d of course expect Elijah to snap his fingers or something and say NO. But, instead, Elijah FLED and ran – “He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die, “I have had enough, Lord” he said. “Take my life, I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once, an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.” The Angel of The Lord prepared him to walk 40 days and 40 nights to reach Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.
Then, God appears to Elijah. He asks “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.’ Then, a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord. After the wind, there was an earthquake, then a huge fire, but the Lord was not in the fire, the wind or the earthquake. And then after everything, came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face. A voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah”.
Let us not run from our dreams and forget where we came from all from something so small – whatever that “Jezebel” may be in our lives. God is bigger, and greater yet wants to connect with us not by how big and fancy and show -off He is, not by how many offerings you give Him, but in a gentle and personal way – a whisper – to remind you who you are.