Oh my gosh, it has been ages. I haven’t written on here for such a long time and I guess I can’t say I totally apologise. You probably would have figured that I’m still pretty active on Instagram and YouTube and I guess I’ve kind of left the blog to the side. But today, tonight actually, feels different. So where do I start?
I’m getting married in pretty much a couple of weeks, I know – absolutely crazy (in a good way! I can’t wait) and I’m in the midst of moving to the new place we’ll call home. Our wedding rehearsal is actually tomorrow, it’s past midnight and I’m still printing out timelines for tomorrow. Again, it’s Friday so I have to wake up early tomorrow for work but lately I’ve been feeling something – something I can’t really put a finger on until today.
I guess lately I’ve been feeling exactly this – that the boat I’m currently sailing on is good enough, and that maybe I’ve lost hunger for the shore. In layman’s terms – I guess in the midst of everything happening, in the midst of settling down, I’ve been doubting the lifespan of my once fervent hopes and dreams. Which is so weird, if you know me. It’s like until today, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be anything more than I am now. I’m happy with my little studio, helping people and that’s all I will ever be and It’s ok – compared to how I was like 1 or 2 years ago, aching for growth and aching to one day own some kind of multi-million dollar company. And most of all, believing it would one day come true. And you know me, it’s such a weird thought to be even having.
But most of all, mainly I don’t know why I’ve been telling myself – maybe this is it. That this, is it. That I just don’t have the stamina that I used to have – and that I can’t really find the energy to start again. These are such personal thoughts that I have about myself and writing this right now in front of you all, I now see that my thoughts are kinda borderline sad.
To be honest, it’s not caused by the fact that I’m settling down – it’s caused by a work project that happened last year that I really put my all in, I really put myself totally in it, but I just couldn’t get exactly how I wanted to say the least. It was a big blow to me, and something I couldn’t really tell anyone about. And so when you experience this loss, finding the energy to start again, or seeing the race you have to run again to make things “right” – just makes you feel so tired. And I know this statement can be overly analysed to find out what exactly I was working on – but don’t. I just want you to understand how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve just been feeling like “I can’t” and that there will be nothing more out of me, that I want nothing more out of myself. I know it sounds so weird typing it out for you.
And all this, today, I had a revelation from God. These thoughts were really just buried really deep inside of me and these feelings tonight were to be honest the least of my thought processes and I didn’t expect God to touch this. It’s so weird but it feels like a very warm and comforting touch, not like actual words, just a knowing of what he wants to say.
And you know what? God told me that his promises are still true, they are still there. Despite what happened, despite how I feel, they are still here. That He still has plans for me, that I have no idea what they could be but the road, the journey, the path it’s still all there. You think after all that has happened, that the atomic bomb explosion would leave nothing left – but it’s still all here. Everything. Nothing has changed about God’s plan for me. And there is so much beauty in this encouragement because when we go through something really hard, and really tiring and really difficult – we may begin to lose sight of the shore, we may even lose hunger for it, we may make excuses that our little boat drifting on the ocean is just fine, most of all we may forget – but God’s plan and promises are always there. They are always true. The road is still there. The blueprint still under construction. This is not it. Don’t lose hope of a bigger and brighter you.
So I’m not giving up just yet. I can’t. And I’m going to get excited about my work future again. God’s plans are still here. As they are for you.